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I was thinking about the best way to illustrate my friendship with one Andy [Redacted]. Also, I really wanted to draw an elephant. And maybe a weird-ass bird of some sort. Animals not drawn to scale. No animals were harmed in the making of this cartoon, but I did wipe my nose with a squirrel.

Click for larger images, because I’ve finally gotten the hang (kinda) of drawing larger pictures.

The proud elephant treks across the African savanna. Standing at twelve feet tall, with tusks exceeding a length of seven feet, he is truly the gentle giant of the plain.

Highly intelligent, the elephant knows he is not immune to the hardships of the savanna. Besieged by ticks and other pests, he welcomes the company of the red-billed oxpecker, and becomes its gracious host.

The colorful red-billed oxpecker thrives in large, chattery flocks, but seeks larger mammals to aid in its survival. This little one will eat around 70 engorged female ticks a day, along with 700 larvae. Though it enjoys feasting on ticks, its favorite food is blood, and it is known to peck directly at its host’s wounds, keeping them fresh and open to parasites.

Together, the oxpecker and elephant live in harmony on the African savanna.

Andy [Redacted] walks through Grant Park on a beautiful Chicago day. A gregarious man, he enjoys wandering around the city when it’s warm and sunny. He must take great care not to get sunburned, however, because he is so very, very pale and Scottish.

He is accompanied by his LawSkoolBFF, who does not wish to walk on her own, as her legs have not yet figured out how to be as long as his. Having developed rather protective feelings for his hapless, generally inept friend, Andy [Redacted] allows her to follow him around. This is mostly because she is amusing, prone to unpredictable fits of anger, and often needs help opening 100-calorie snackie-packs.

The diminutive South Asian greatly enjoys being carried around. Frankly, she feels she deserves it. She has formed a symbiotic attachment to Andy [Redacted] mostly because he keeps creepy menfolk away from her, and is proficient in reaching things in high places. Furthermore, he is quite entertaining when inebriated, and is nice to all of her friends.

Sometimes her ice cream drips in his hair, but she does not inform him of this. Frankly, she feels he deserves it.

Together, this intrepid duo braves law school and terrible people, arguing ferociously all the while.

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Yes, dear readers, the day has come. The day has come to unveil my fabulous BobBlahBlawg fanmix. Devotees will remember that BobBlahBlawg is Andy, my lawskoolBFF. He is also a galloping turd. But we can’t hold this against him. (Yes, we can.)

Now, generally, Andy wears things. Sweaters. Shirts. Pants of some sort. I don’t know, just, generally, things. Perhaps he wears a belt. Or maybe he holds his pants up with a piece of rope. I don’t know!

Still, despite my general lack of knowledge as to his daily appearance, I have seen fit to put together an outfit, for the fellas, inspired by the dear boy. I have also seen fit, since I have a little extra time on my hands, to put together a fanmix about the kid. It’s not so much about him – his qualities, his aspirations, all the things that he does that cause me to gleefully await the day he falls off a cliff because he is basically the most horrible person ever – but is based on various, somewhat-memorable things he has said during our close, two and a half year friendship.

To understand this, you really have to understand just how much time we have spent together over the past two and a half years. I spent more time with him than I did with my own mother. We’ve had most of our classes together, we always rode the train home together, and we talked all the time. Still do. That’s basically what this mix is about.

Since I cannot link you to actual music files to download, I am linking all the songs to YouTube videos. So you’ll get the general idea. If you like a particular tune, I’m sure you’ll be able to find it on Amazon or iTunes.

Below is the cover art, with track information, and all the pertinent links. The quotes are various conversation, texts, etc, between us over the years. I tried not to include any that would embarrass the turd, but whatever. Enjoy!

Track List:

1. We Are Going To Be Friends – The White Stripes

[first day of law school orientation]

Andy: Hey, so, by the way, I’m Andy. Andy [redacted].
Me: Huma.
Andy: So…this sucks, doesn’t it?
Me: Totally.

2. We Are All In This Together – Ben Lee

Andy: So, according to this presentation, at some point during our careers as lawyers, we’re either going to be alcoholics, clinically depressed and/or suicidal, or addicted to pills.
Huma: I call pills.
Andy: …Yeah, I’ve got the alcohol covered. Good deal.

3. Afternoon Delight – Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell)

“Afternoon Delight is my favorite song to sing randomly.”

4. Special Brew – Bad Manners

“I’m going to make the argument in ConLaw today that 3.2% beer is technically not an alcoholic beverage.”

5. Why Does It Always Rain On Me? – Travis

“Everything is terrible. Can we just agree on that? Everything is always terrible.”

6. Wraith Pinned To The Mist And Other Games – Of Montreal

“On the way to Knox! Man, I love that place. At Knox, about to get my drunk on. Had three beers in thirty minutes. Others are starting to get tipsy. LIGHTWEIGHTS. Oh man this whiskey is awwwwesome. #Wiskeyhwin. I’ve been holding this ashtray for about 30 minutes now. No one will tell me why. Hi, my name is Andy; I don’t exist. My pants have apparently run off. #nopantswin. There’s a girl over thrrr but Bodry is sber n he says she loosk like a wildebst. Asdflkjadlfjasdflkjadf.”

Happy Flunk Day, Knox students!

7. I’m Not Jesus – Ramones

“Jesus was born in June. My birthday is in June. Therefore, I am the second coming. I am applying evangelical logic to everything now.”

8. The Superhero Song – Drake Bell

“Be sure to tell hunnies that I save babies, okay? That’s your job as my wingwoman.”

9. Fuck You – Cee-Lo Green

“I really should have been a soul singer.”

10. A Night At The Roxbury (What Is Love?) – Haddaway

“I usually go out, like, to a party, drink, talk to jerks, someone does something that absolutely disgusts me, and then I come home and watch Saturday Night Live with you.”

11. Change My Pants (I Don’t Wanna) – The Vandals

Andy: I got drunk with Jeffrey McDaniel once at nineteen. He kept taking layers of clothing off. He wore like six shirts. We started getting freaked out at about shirt three.
Huma: Yeah, that’s a good benchmark to get freaked out at when a drunk poet is disrobing in front of you.

12. Stay Away – Nirvana

“I’m making a policy not to talk about grades because everyone’s on bullshit right now.”

13. How’s It Gonna End? – Tom Waits

“I love Tom Waits. I just found a clip of the show of his that I went to on YouTube. I sat next to a lesbian couple. And this girl I was with kept trying to get me to talk to them. And I kept being like, THEY’RE GOING TO KILL ME.”

14. We Major – Kanye West featuring Nas

Andy: See, Kanye and I are a lot alike.
Huma: You both won’t shut up about all the Grammys you never won?
Andy: That. And, we’re both from the suburbs of Chicago…
Me: And you were both trying to bring the nerd look back at one point.
Andy: Ha, that, too. And we both have teachers for moms who predominantly raised us, and we’re both precocious. We’ve got our own styles. Our mouths get us in trouble. We’re both great rappers.
Huma: This is true.
Andy: I think I’m more composed than him, though.

15. The Wrestler – Bruce Springsteen

“You know the movie, The Wrestler? It’s basically about my life.”

16. Megalomaniac – Incubus

“We need to go sit in that courtroom and wave those giant foam fingers. I mean, we’re basically Blago’s best friends.”

17. Youth Culture Killed My Dog – They Might Be Giants

“I love how one of the Jonases is obviously not from the same father as the other.”

18. But She Beat My High Score – Say Hi To Your Mom

“You steal all my good ideas and package them as your own and don’t even give me anything. You sit on a throne of lies.”

19. Friends – Flight of the Conchords

Huma: IF WE’RE BEST FRIENDS HOW COME WE NEVER PLAY HOOPS.
Andy: Because I’d just score on you, and you’d get mad, and take the ball and go home.
Huma: Well, sure, but that’s no excuse.

Yay!

Now let’s move on to the random outfit. That’s kind of why I rarely put up outfits for boys on here: what am I going to do? It’s pants, some sort of shirt, and some sort of sweater that isn’t clashing horribly with it. And shoes. That’s it. But whatever.

Straight Leg Jeans …….. $19.99
Striped Point Collar Dress Shirt in Blue ………. $20
Turnberry Solid V-Neck Sweater in Green Heather ………. $25
YADON Shoes in Dark Brown ………. $31.49

This is just ridiculously simple. Andy wears jeans. This is not life-changing. Thankfully, he doesn’t wear skinny jeans. Otherwise I would not be his friend. No, no, Andy wears normal boy jeans that are not too baggy and definitely not too tight, and effectively hide his thunder.

As for shirts, he wears shirts. I’m almost positive about that. They are usually collared. Once he wore his Dark Lord t-shirt (beer), and everyone was super scandalized. And once he was upset because he bought this shirt thinking it was one color but then it turned out to be purple and he was all WUT I DO NOT WEAR DRESS SHIRTS WITH PURPLE STRIPES ON THEM and I was all AY KWITCHER BITCHIN because I don’t take kindly to that sort of thing.

😡

Also, the point collar here is a no brainer. There are a couple different collar types, and certain ones look flattering on certain facial shapes, but point collars are flattering for every single one. So, yeah, no-brainer.

As for sweaters…here is one. It is green. That is terribly exciting. 😐

No, but I kind of like him in green sweaters. I think – don’t quote me on this, because I don’t generally notice these things – he’s got a bit of green in his eyes. Like, they’re hazel-ish, goldenish, but with a green outer rim. It’s pretty, and it’s why green looks pretty on him. (Watch, his eyes are actually dark brown, and he’s reading this thinking SHE IS BLIND AS SIN, and he’s not that far off base, really.)

You know who had gorgeous eyes? My other LawSkoolBFF (don’t tell Andy I was cheating on him in the early days!), Perry. Perry had these gorgeous emerald green eyes with flecks of golden and hazel in the middle. I’d just stare at him all the time because they were that beautiful.

But yes. I also like the turd in orange sweaters, mostly because he never really wears them. But I like orange on him because it really warms up his pale, pale skin. He’s a daywalker, you see.

😐

It’s a problem. We’re looking into treatments. There’s a specialist in New Zealand who’s had some success with a vaccine tested on white mice, whose brain make up is most similar to ours.

I, um, have to put this up, too.

Anyway, yes, it is a green sweater. And those are brown shoes, appropriate enough for Chicago winters when the sidewalks are covered in snow or slush or ice or salt. Bleh.

And there we have a BobBlahBlawg inspired outfit, complete with a fanmix. I really do spoil all of you.

 

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Happy Halloween!

Have a great Halloween and be safe, from me and Andy.

Click the image to enlarge. (My first time drawing a huge pic!)

Also, before the judging starts, this is NOT what I wore on Halloween. I don’t ever dress up on Halloween (this was my third time ever) but this year I felt bad about ditching my friend’s Halloween parties all the time so I went. I was Nicki Minaj and wearing a version of this outfit (with the hair), but I sluttified it up for the cartoon because it made me laugh.

DEAL WITH IT. Judgy McJudgertons.

Also, Andy is Raggedy Andy. Heh heh heh.

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So on Monday, August 23, your beloved Hoomster and her LawSkoolBFF, who is not beloved but more turd-like in his ways, will be returning to law school. We’ll be 3Ls, you guys, which means we won’t give a crap about anything. Except we barely gave a crap about anything in spring of 1L, so whatever. Maybe we’re ahead of the curve?

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You might have heard about this, but in case you haven’t, here’s the skinny: the San Francisco Commission of Animal Control and Welfare is considering an ordinance that would effectively be a ban on selling all pets except fish. Cats, dogs, guinea pigs, mice, ferrets, birds, all sorts of critters will not be available in the San Francisco area. So for all the San Franciscans who want furry things scurrying around, they’ll have to drive to a nearby town and buy them there, or hit up the classified section of the local paper, or visit the shelter.

Apparently, the hamsters are to blame for this. The hamsters are ALWAYS to blame, you guys. For everything.

People get their kids hamsters thinking that they’re cute little not-mice that are all cuddly and stuff. But it turns out that hamsters, when they inevitably escape their cages, love to chew wires and destroy things, and they run on their stupid little wheels at 2 in the morning and just generally little turds.

So people abandon them and then Animal Control has to euthanize them by the bucketload, which is sad.

So the Commission may possibly decide that in order to keep all these animals, including but not limited to hamsters, from being abandoned and euthanized and all that terrible business, they’re going to ban the sale of all animals but fish.

Fish are awful, you guys. They just swim there and have no other discernible talents. I had been begging my parents all my life to get me a kitty, and on my twelfth birthday, Papa Hoomster came home and announced that he just got back from the pet store. And  then…he pulled out a bag of gold fish.

And he expected me to be happy about this development.

Ugh. I hated those goldfish. They didn’t do anything and I wasn’t pleased by this obvious handicap. Mama Hoomster was the one that usually fed them, so they loooooved her. They used to ignore the rest of us and always swim to the front corner of the tank whenever she walked by.

😡

Scaly little bastards.

But yeah, pet stores in San Francisco won’t be able to sell anything but fish. They’ll be fish stores. If they stay in business at all.

Obviously, this has caused quite a stir in SanFran, with many pet store owners saying that this ordinance, if it is passed, will put them out of business completely.

It’s a great goal, to reduce the number of animals that have to be put down every year, but this is taking it a wee bit too far. I’m all for people going to the animal shelter when they need a pet, but as far as I can tell based on things like Googling ‘where to get a pet macaw in San Francisco,’ it might be pretty difficult to find the specific animal you just have to have in a shelter or the classified section or on Craigslist. Plus, there seem to be a LOT of pet stores in San Francisco and a lot of them are small, non-chain pet stores. And they’ll all presumably have to shut down because, really, how many stores full of goldfish does one town really need? Even one is too much, says I.

Would it be so hard to just attempt to better educate the public when it comes to purchasing animals? For crying out loud, put up a sign next to the hamster cage that says to beware, because they bite and like to chew through boxes and wires and are nocturnal creatures so they’ll make noise while you sleep. Also, for certain types of animals, maybe a hold is a good idea, like the kind normally used at animal shelters: if you want to purchase a rat, place your order, and the animal will be put on ‘hold’ so no one else can adopt it out from under you, and you take the animal home the next business day or whatever, just so it’s not an impulse buy, which is one of the things the ordinance was introduced to address. And in the case of dogs or cats, I personally think that there is no excuse not to go to the animal shelter or the pound to pick one up, unless you need a specific kind of dog, like a really big one as a watch dog or a dog to keep the garden free of rabbits and gophers and such, etc.

But really, I’m partial to the idea about signs.. I’m a big fan of signs. I absolutely love reading signs, you guys. Give me a good sign to read and I am happy.

For example, here’s something that I would put up near the hamster cage.

See? Totally informational, totally true, and not at all traumatizing for a kid to see next to a cage of furry little hamsters. It’s not like I’m Lynn Geter, after all.

And lots of people buy iguanas for their kids, right? Personally, I think we have Bill Amendt and his Foxtrot to blame for that. Remember Quincy?

Here’s something they could easily hang by the iguana cage to keep the public informed.

Rabbits ought to come with warning signs, too, yes?

Yes.

This is the sign I hung up at the Naperville Area Humane Society, but Becky made me take it down.

😦

Becky was all PEOPLE DON’T KEEP OCTOPUSES AS PETS MORON and I was all EVERYONE KNOWS THE PLURAL OF OCTOPUS IS OCTOPII BECAUSE OTHERWISE IT JUST SOUNDS NAUGHTY.

Speaking of spaying and neutering, as of a day or two ago, we still have about 6 beagle pups at the shelter and 8 million adorable itty bitty kitty committees, so if you’re in the area, stop by at the Naperville Area Humane Society on Diehl Road and check out the results of people not spaying and neutering anything.

Anyway, moving on, I saw this one at Barnes & Noble the other day:

The last one gets confusing when I need to hide my gun in something that’s been hollowed out, but then I refer to the handy dandy sign, and I know which one is right.

🙂

I saw this one at the library, the law school, the pool, the grocery store, and then a couple of Homeland Security agents came and held it in front of my face for a couple minutes, too.

Nice of them.

And this is what MYSTERIOUSLY happened to the stop sign at the end of my cul de sac.

I think we need to remember that NO ONE knows how this happened and most importantly, NO ONE has any proof because it was dark and I was totally wearing a mask.

😐

Methinks I’ve tipped my hand…

Eh, whatever.

I visited the little town from Footloose recently and realized that while they made a lot of progress in that movie, they have a long way to go.

Yup, I’m never happier than when I’m reading signs. And everybody’s getting in on the action!

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Happy Belated 4th of July!

My actual 4th of July was spent cleaning, cooking, and attending lectures at the Islamic Society of North America convention at the Rosemont in Chicago. Speakers included Zaid Shakir, Tariq Ramadan, Hamza Yusuf, and others. One of my childhood BFFs is the Vice President of the Muslim Student Association that hosted these great Islamic scholars, and his family drove over from Boston to attend the weekend conference, so that was even more reason to attend.

So happy belated Independence Day, my fellow Americans.

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As all of you know, my LawSkoolBFF Andy just returned from his sojourn to Seattle. Okay, fine, so none of you knew that. Well, okay, one person did. The one in the second row with the binoculars and the vanilla wafers. Fine, whatever, I don’t care.

DEAR GOD WHAT IS THAT BRAWK BRAWK BRAWK SOUND.

Don’t you hate when you’re trying to sit down and write some stupid blog post because you literally can’t sit still and do nothing in between the other things you have to do, and you can’t write because all you can hear is some stupid BRAWK BRAWK BRAWK sound that just won’t stop?

DEAR GOD WHAT IS THAT.

Oh. Wait, I remember. The neighbors behind us have a new coop full of new chickens, and Neighbor Boy’s dad next to us has a new saw. He likes to build things in his garage during the day, and at night Neighbor Boy and his friends like to sit in front of said garage and smoke lots and lots of pot, which causes Mama and Papa Hoomster to wander around in the living room (all the windows are always open) asking aloud why someone needs to burn all that hickory wood at once.

Yes.

They think someone is burning hickory wood, causing that smell.

I wish I was making this up.

Anyway, back to Andy. He just got back from Seattle and is back in class with me. YAY! Andy and the Hoomster, back together again! Never to part until the day we graduate! OMG YAY! BEST DAY EVAR!

I want him dead. 😡

But that’s neither here nor there, so for now, I’ll try to remember that it’s nice to fall back into our familiar dynamic.

(He has to hold my hand otherwise I run out into traffic.)

😦

(For those quietly and not so quietly judging me, we have never held hands. So step off.)

Eh. As much as I make fun of the guy and secretly hate his guts, I need him around.

Aw.

Don’t worry, he’ll be back.

He always comes back.

😐

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