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Archive for March, 2010

So Mama Hoomster is trying to lose weight. She’s always been super slim, but, you know, age. And arthritis medication. Here’s what makes me mad, though: she (and my brother) are ALWAYS on me for being ‘anorexic,’ as if they understand the meaning of that word, just because I’m petite.

And yet if you look at my mother’s pictures from when she was my age, she’s even skinnier. She’s 5’1″ and has been so for most of her life, and when she came to America in her late 20’s to accept a teaching position at Boston University, where she was also going to work on her MA and then her Ph.D. in Economics, she was 90 lbs. Not even kidding. And I bet at least three of those pounds were her hair. (She had super long, thick hair that she usually wore in a braid.)

Gross, you guys.

😑

And then she’s on ME for being too thin. Me! And I’m not even disgustingly thin or anything, I’m normal.

Mothers.

They’re always saying things.

Anyway, Mama Hoomster wants to lose some weight, so that got me thinking about how the clothes you wear affect your image like that. For example, Mama Hoomster liked to dress me (as a young teen) in clothes that were easily 2-3 sizes too big for me because they were ‘modest.’ The fact that I looked like what Anna Wintour would call a “little house” (aka a citizen of the state of Minnesota – I’m not joking, she actually said that because she is a horrible person inside and out) didn’t matter to her.

When I got a car and a credit card (thank you, Papa Hoomster) I began doing my own shopping. This angered Mama Hoomster greatly, but I did not care. I was through buying clothes that made me look 20lbs. heavier than I actually was. I remember during the early stages of the transformation, when I’d walk down the halls in clothes that actually fit me, my friends would be like, “wait, you look smaller. Did you lose weight?” and it was like NO I AM MERELY WEARING CLOTHES THAT FAMILIES OF FOUR CANNOT LIVE IN.

😐

So for the rest of the week (the next five posts, actually) I’ll be showing you how to dress to look around 10lbs. thinner. Oh, yeah, folks. No joke. I’m going there.

Join me for the ride! πŸ™‚

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Today’s outfit is inspired by Mad Men’s Joan Holloway, played by Christina Hendricks. You all know who I’m talking about. Don’t play. Anyway, Joan’s made an appearance here before and will probably continue to, because she’s been pretty consistently popular here at TRPLS.

Also, the post isn’t here.

😐

I should have told you that earlier. I know you guys got your hopes up. It’s just that I had the post done and I really wanted to tell you about it, because it was new and pretty and shiny, but then I sent it out for cleaning so it would be even newer and prettier and shinier when you got here, but then it took forever and I couldn’t get it back in time.

Fortunately for all of us, Heave Media picked up the ball on this one. The post is currently in their custody, so you can mosey on over and take a gander.

Click HERE to visit Heave Media and see today’s post, inspired by this lovely character:

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The other day, M asked about blazers. So I figured I’d do a couple posts with different kinds of blazers. Mama Hoomster loves blazers, you guys. She teaches at the shittiest private school in existence and every day she wears either her pants/blouse, blouse/skirt, or shalwar kameez (our cultural Indian/Pakistani clothes, ranging from very simple plain old cotton to super fancy and sewn with actual gold or silver thread and tons of beads and god knows what else), and then wears a blazer with a brooch on top.

(Also, if you are a Muslim in the Chicagoland area, do not ever send your kids to the College Preparatory Shithole of America. It’s run by a bunch of clods who have completely lost their ever-loving minds, if they ever had them in the first place, which is, spoiler alert, highly doubtful.)

Blazers (with a brooch on the lapel) are Mama Hoomster’s trademark. Every time any other teacher at the Shithole attempts to wear a blazer, everyone makes comments about how she’s channeling Mama Hoomster. It would actually be kind of cute if it wasn’t so weird. Eh.

So the other day, I had a look up that featured a blazer with a cute top underneath, bootcut jeans, and heels. Today, I’m back with another blazer look.

Apt. 9 Geometric Dress in Teal ………. $24.99
Rampage Jacket ………. $39.98
Erin Patent Pumps ………. $19.80
Pacifica Necklace and Earring Set ………. $14.99

I picked this pretty green patterned dress from Kohl’s. Sometimes I like patterns, you guys. I just make sure to keep everything else very simple if I’m rocking prints. I love the color of this dress – that bright, bold green/blue combination is just lovely. But then again, I have been feeling green lately. Maybe that’s it.

I paired it with a pair of black pumps that probably wouldn’t have been my first choice (I don’t wear peep toes all that often) but made the cut because they fit my budget. πŸ˜›

And of course, the blazer. I picked a black 3-button one to throw on top of the dress, and added a turquoise necklace.

If that dress was more of a sheath dress and several inches shorter, we could call this our Jennifer Aniston look. πŸ˜€ She loves wearing sparkly minidresses with blazers and stilettos. Hell, if I had her legs, I would, too.

No, I wouldn’t.

But I’d think about it.

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I talk a good game about the College Preparatory Shithole of America, a small private school in Illinois where I attended 5th-9th grades before I left. But I have a feeling you nerds think I’m exaggerating, or that I’m just making it all up.

I assure you, I am not.

So I’ve decided to start sharing random stories that make me stabby. One day I’ll tell you guys why I left this place, and it will cause a total shitstorm among the community, because I will call people out. I don’t really care. I’d tell you now, but my blood pressure is already through the roof currently so whatever.

There’s this kid at this school. Let’s call him WTF. WTF is related to the de facto president of the school board. He’s not really the president but he acts like he is, and he’s a total fucknut.

Anyway, WTF’s family recently came into some money. It’s really something out of The Great Gatsby. And the lesson holds true: money, especially new money, cannot buy class. Or intelligence. Or morals.

So WTF is about 17ish, let’s say. His family is loaded. (A recent event.) WTF’s parents bought him a $180,000 car. Let’s say it looks like this.

In related news, ten-cylinder cars make my heart skip a beat. It’s true what they say: once you go V8, you can’t go back. Give me a V4 these days and I feel like I’m Amish. It’s horrible of me, I know.

Anyway, can I just say something? The thought of owning a $180,000 car makes me nauseous. I’m serious: my stomach just rolled. Think of what you can buy with that kind of money. Think of what you can do. Think of how many people you can help. And as Muslims, I think it’s particularly unconscionable to own things that are that expensive.

My friends all make fun of me because my ‘cheapest’ car was an Acura. Since I’ve been driving (sophomore year in high school) I’ve always driven nice cars. We usually have 3-4 cars, and spent two years with 5 cars (in a 3-driver house), and my dad likes nice cars, it’s true. Since I started driving, my cars in order have been: Mercedes 600 SLE (or is it SEL? I don’t remember), Acura RL, Lexus something or other (whatever the top of the line model is), Mercedes 300 SLE (I think it was an SLE), a green Mustang for a while before I decided I hated that car and my dad sold it, a crimson Porsche for a while before I gave up trying to learn stickshift on it and my dad sold it, another Mercedes SLE in a pretty English racing green, a red Mercedes convertible for my summer car last year, and now a Jaguar X-type.

So yes, I drive nice cars. But they’re all old and used (but in great shiny condition, inside and out). Like my Jag – it’s a 2003. And I can guarantee that we didn’t even pay one-tenth of the cost of WTF’s expensive car for it. We buy nice cars in great condition and, yes, we almost always have one more car than we do driver (except now; we have 3 cars for 4 drivers), but we buy them shrewdly. Papa Hoomster is a great negotiator and he’s only ever bought 2 new cars from the show room since he came to America in 1971. He likes to buy his cars from teachers and accountants. True story.

I just think that as a Muslim, it’s ridiculous to spend major cash on a car. The Bible is the same as the Quran in a lot of respects, particularly when it comes to recounting tales of old societies and civilizations that were destroyed because the people bought big old houses and lived as if they’d never die.

Our religious traditions (as distinguished from the religious text) are filled with that sort of thing, too. Almost every year, the Prophet (S)’s BFF, Abu Bakr (R), gave away more than half his property. He was a very wealthy Arabian merchant and as soon as he accumulated wealth, he’d give most of it away to the state coffer (Bait-ul-Mal, House of Wealth, from which money was given for infrastructure, education, and alms to the poor, elderly, infirmed, and women and orphans). All the Sahabas/Companions (R) did the same.

I grew up on those stories, particularly at the Shithole. It’s why, to this day, I have never spent even $100 on a pair of shoes, for example. I just can’t do it. I buy nice things, but I buy them on sale, and I hit up sample sales and trunk sales, ever thankful that I can fit into those sample sizes. I just cannot spend that kind of money on myself. I donate to Muslim charities, here and abroad (AND NO THE CHARITIES I DONATE TO DO NOT FUNNEL MONEY TO AL-QAEDA TURN OFF FOX NEWS YOU TURDS), and I donate to my favorite charities like the Humane Society and public television/radio and others.

(To properly research legitimate charities, including information about how much their CEOs earn and how much of your donation goes to overhead, please visit Charity Tracker.)

So yes. End tangent.

Anyway, WTF has a $180K car. I’ve already registered my disgust over this. So let’s move on.

WTF is NOT, shall we say, a responsible car owner. He will routinely let other boys drive his car. This TERRIFIES me. I have never driven a car on which I’m not insured (well, okay, once, but only because my dad egged me on, and I was like, shya, whatever, you’re the one that’s liable if I destroy everything) nor have I ever let any of my friends drive any of my cars that they are, obviously, not insured on, no matter how much they beg or wheedle.

I will never do it. It terrifies me. And if you do either of those things, STOP IT. It’s not a smart thing to do unless you’re willing to accept the consequences.

From what I hear, WTF once offered or gave (the accounts differ) his keys to an 8th grader. An out of control 8th grader that the school already has problems with. So obviously, WTF is nowhere near as responsible as he could be.

So WTF lost his keys.

His mother called the school office and yelled at one of the secretaries. This is basically allegedly what happened. (Accounts differ.)

Mama WTF: Blah blah blah! My son doesn’t have his keys!

Della the Secretary: Umm…Okay.

Mama WTF: What kind of school are you running?!

Della: …Uh…

Mama WTF: OBVIOUSLY someone stole his keys!

Della: …Qua?

Mama WTF: He left them in the bathroom and someone took them!

Della: …Okay?

Mama WTF: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS?!

Della: …Er…

Mama WTF: What kind of school are you running?

Della: The same one where WTF, now a senior, has been since he was in preschool?

Mama WTF: No! What kind of kids do you have at that school that would steal car keys?!

Della: Uh…

Mama WTF: WE BOUGHT HIM A $180,000 CAR!

Della: Um…congratulations?

Mama WTF: DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT KEY ALONE COST?

Della: No.

Mama WTF: IT COST $300!

Della: …Okay?

Mama WTF: HE DOESN’T HAVE HIS KEY! GO LOOK FOR IT!

Della: Um…No?

Mama WTF: Go look for it! Go look in the garbage! Go look in the garbage now!

Della: No.

Mama WTF: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Della: [click]

I’m not solid on Della’s part of the conversation. But those would be my responses (if I was on tranquilizers, because the normal me would be like LISTEN STUPID two sentences into this conversation) because, really, what can you say when you are dealing with crazy people?

Really?

Mama WTF legitimately thought that it was the school’s fault that WTF lost his keys, and that this meant some kid stole it, and that the secretary should go look for the keys. Right then. All of the accounts agree on this.

The conversation ended, but Mama WTF called up a while later.

Mama WTF: WTF found his keys.

Della: Okay.

Mama WTF: Yeah. Whoever took it got scared and left them in the bathroom for him to find again.

Della: Great. I’m sure it’s a proud day for you and your family.

[click]

People at this school are BATSHIT INSANE.

I wouldn’t last a day there, you guys. I would commit assault and possibly murder and be dragged off to jail, you guys. Because I hate these assholes. If I could last a day there without burning everything to the ground, I swear, Mother Teresa best just move over on that Saint Bench.

Seriously.

So there’s a little taste of life at the Shithole. More to come, I’m sure, because every one of these people fails at life.

FAILS AT LIFE.

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Mama Hoomster sometimes takes issue with what I wear. (I exaggerate it, sure, but whatever.) SheΒ  is very offended by young women who dress whorishly (by showing their collarbones; it’s my bad luck that mine is naturally prominent) and doesn’t want me to EVER err on the side of whorish.

That’s why, when she saw this outfit for today in a Chadwick’s catalog (???) she was like YOU HAVE TO DO THIS FOR THAT BLOG THING YOU DO. ALSO YOU SHOULD TOTALLY WEAR IT.

These are the kinds of outfits Mama Hoomster likes, you guys. Outfits with blazers. Outfits that completely hide your sweater puppies. If she can make out even the slightest curve in my upper chest sweater-puppy territory, she clutches her pearls until I put something else on over it. This is why I often wear 7 layers when I’m around her, and look like a little marshmallow with toothpick legs.

I’ve often asked her if she wouldn’t just prefer that I cut holes in a box for my head and arms and wear that, to hide my sweater puppies. But then the box would bring attention to the fact that I HAVE sweater puppies, so I’d require a larger box. This discussion ends with me asking her if she’sΒ  sure she doesn’t just want me to LIVE in a box and toddle around bumping into things, and then she gets mad, ties a cold compress to her head, and goes to bed to escape my rampant, galloping whorishness.

Anyway, Mama Hoomster would still be scandalized by the lace, because lace has holes that shows the skin beneath. The skin that is TOO close to your sweater puppies for her comfort.

😑

You guys are so whorish.

Just like me.

So here’s a Mama Hoomster-approved outfit…that still wouldn’t pass her Whorish Test. She’d probably get mad that I took the ‘decent,’ modest printed blazer she liked so much and somehow found a way to make it whorish.

Click HERE to read the post at The Working Wardrobe.

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Guys, I don’t know if you know this, but I’m now the newest contributor at Heave Media. (If you follow me on Twitter, you’re already aware.) It was started by two of my pals from college, Ryan and Wes, and a LOT of my old friends from college are contributors as well. Heave covers mostly music but has recently expanded into other cultural areas, so swing by and DEFINITELY check the rest of it out. Ryan and Wes, et al, are absolutely some of the most hilarious, sharp, interesting kids I’ve ever met. You’ll adore the site as much as I do, I’m sure.

If you have no idea what I’m talking about (or just want to know more about me because you’ve been stalking me over the past year, patiently waiting to make your move on me, which basically consists of more stalking), go here and read my introductory post at Heave. It can basically be summed up with: OMG YOU GUYS HI.

Today’s outfit is inspired by the lovely Emma Pillsbury. I picked her for my first grown-up post at Heave just because she’s so popular here already. I get the most requests for her and Rachel Berry, so I figured, why not? Click here to see what I came up with for everyone’s favorite neurotic guidance counselor!

(And let’s not even TALK about creepy guidance counselors, the one you always left the door open with, and to whose office you NEVER wore a skirt, much less a short one. Ick.)

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So I got an email from M telling me how much she loved this one blazer from Lulu’s, but had never been all that sure about how to wear blazers aside from suits. She was wondering if I would help her steal that blazer from Lulu’s and set it on fire in protest.

Nah, she was just wondering if I would help her put together a business casual look including the blazer.

But that’s just so predictable, right? So I wanted to throw in something exciting instead. It keeps you nerds on your toes.

Here’s the blazer M loves. Also, the blazer that I love. And will not be setting on fire. Which is more than I can say about certain other things.

Click to buy at Lulu's for $62

It’s got light ruching around the collar and looks to have a less structured look than a typical suit-blazer. And it looks soft, too.

To help figure this out, I put together a look to go with this blazer – but not actually including the blazer. Come on. It’s $62. I’d have to get the pants, shirt, and shoes for a total of $38. It’s not gonna happen, folks.

Dark Rinse Jeans ………. $15
Layered Trim Tee ………. $14.99
J.S. Leather Pump ………. $59.95

I kept everything simple for this look.

Dark wash jeans in a boot cut are always my go-to option. They’re the most flattering and when they’ve got a bit of a flare (hence the boot cut) at the bottom, they really slim and lengthen the leg. I paired the jeans with a black tee with the paneling on the neck. It comes in a pretty berry red, too, which would also look bright and fun.

If you’re wondering, just as a random thought because you often find yourself thinking about my mental process and just general mental stability, I’d also consider wearing red, green, or purple under the blazer. Hell, orange would look cute, too. Maybe a dark mustard yellow, but I’d have to see it first.

I wanted something with a higher neck and something interesting going up on top, but not too interesting. No ruffles. No bows. No crazy little ties. This shirt fit the bill well.

And last but not least, a pair of polished leather pumps. These would be Career Center approved. I remember how adamant one of our Career Center ladies was about shoes. “Girls! Pumps! Black! No peep-toes! No slingbacks! PUMPS!”

It was kind of scary, you guys.

😦

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